s07e15-The Search

Everybody, can I please
 have your attention?
  Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Oh my gosh.
Wow.
Over the weekend,
 Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced.
- Sweet.
- Free ring.
Divorced?
  Just so you know, it's totally amicable.
We're fine.
We don't need people here
 to take sides.
The last thing that we want
 is any kind of drama.
Wait, I
 Can you back up?
  What's the story?
  We were having a beautiful
 weekend in the Poconos.
We were making love constantly.
We saw the sun rise,
 and Ryan was crying a lot.
- That's not a relevant detail.
- And in the morning,
  we walked by a chapel
 and we stopped suddenly,
  and Ryan said
  "I don't think I should
 be married to you anymore.
"
  Wait, wha
  Sorry, when did you get married?
  Um, like a week ago.
We got really wasted,
 and it just felt right.
And you didn't invite any of us?
  We are getting divorced, Andy!
  This is such a raw time.
God, baby, you know,
 with people's reactions to this,
  I wonder if we made a mistake.
No, with the messed-up laws
 in this country,
  I don't want to be married
 until everyone can be married.
You know what, Ryan?
  I talked to the other gay guys,
  and we're okay with it.
We all agreed it's fine
 for you to get married.
No.
No, Oscar.
Not not until
 everyone can.
Ryan, I changed my mind.
Okay, fine.
You know what?
  This actually
 isn't amicable at all,
  and we actually do need people
 to take sides.
Who's on my side?
  And who is on my side?
   All right, bye.
- Bye.
- Let's go.
Just a minute!
  - How long do we have to wait?
 - For what?
  You broke up with A.
J.
weeks ago.
Don't you have
 a sales call to go on?
  I don't understand.
I really don't, I mean
  We know we're gonna
 start dating Why not now?
  - We don't know that.
- Sure we do.
Why is it such a certainty
  that we're supposed
 to be together?
  Why does the sun
 rise in the morning?
  Why do magnets stick together?
  Because everybody says so.
Everybody.
Michael, I can't keep getting
 into a situation
  where I date
 whoever I'm working with.
Well you can
 understand that.
Yeah, I understand.
I just don't agree.
Well, you don't have to agree.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you can have
 your own opinion
  I have my own opinion,
 and my opinion
  is to disagree with you.
He's gonna be a lot of fun
  to drive around in a car with.
Ah, you'll get through it, hon.
Just make a game out of it.
A funny Jim game.
That's it?
 That's all I get?
  Even after all the hard work
 I put into
  celebrating your talent today.
All right, what'd you do?
  Well, those things
 that you consider doodles
  I consider art.
Where'd you put it?
  - Where'd I put what?
 - Let's go.
Oh, sorry.
I gotta go.
- Say it.
Where?
 - Okay, fine.
Three hints: One,
 when you're getting colder,
  you're really getting warmer.
- The fridge.
- Two!
  You have a better chance
 if you think Bob Vance.
The fridge, got it.
- And the final clue
 - Let's go!
  You know what?
 Just think about it.
- You'll be fine.
- Bye.
Holly is ruining Michael's life.
He thinks she's so special.
And she's so not.
Her personality is like a three,
  her sense of humor is a two,
  her ears are like a seven
 and a four.
Add it all up,
 and what do you get?
   And he treats her
 like she's a perfect 40.
It's nuts.
Cheer up.
We made a sale.
Just drive faster.
I wanna get back.
Well, I'm going the speed limit.
Okay, fine.
My feelings don't matter to you.
What matters to you
 is your precious speed limit.
Someone's in a bad mood.
No, I'm not.
I'm not in a bad mood.
I'm not, Jim.
Hello?
  Okay, fine, ignore me.
Have it your way.
Let's just talk about you.
As always.
Sex different
 after the baby, Jim?
  All right, let me
 turn on some music.
- I need to pee!
 - No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
My word against yours.
All right, well,
 we'll be there in ten minutes.
What part of "I need to pee"
 do you not understand?
  I'm upset, my bladder is full,
  there is no telling
 what I might do, right now,
  all over the inside of your
 precious little car.
All right, well,
 if I see a gas station,
  - I'll pull over.
- Well, I hope I make it.
Hello?
  Hi, Jim, it's Helene.
Hey, Helene.
Is everything okay?
  Everything's fine.
Baby's fine.
She has a tiny fever.
I'm taking her for a checkup.
Nothing to worry about, uh
  Okay.
A tiny thing.
I locked her in the car.
- What?
 - She's smiling.
She's happy.
- Oh, my God.
- Jim, I Jim
  - Oh, my God.
- I don't have a spare key.
Just just stay there.
I'll be there in one second.
Michael!
  Michael!
  Excuse me, sir, there's a
  There's a guy in the bathroom.
He's coming out,
 but I have to go,
  'cause it's an emergency.
Will you just tell him
 to call the office?
  Just call
 Call the office.
Thank you! Please?
  Hello?
  - This is Pam.
- Hey, it's me.
So, uh, don't worry.
Everything's okay.
- What's wrong?
 - Nothing, absolutely nothing.
But you're not holding a cup of
 coffee or anything, are you?
  - Jim, what?
 - UhOkay.
So Cece had a little bit
 of a fever.
And your mom also
 locked her in the car.
- Oh, God.
What?
 - No, no, no, it's okay.
So Cece's with daddy now,
  and she is laughing
 and she's happy,
  and we're on our way
 to see Dr.
Barbara.
Okay, so she's okay?
  Yes, and your mom got
 a very well-deserved day off.
So here's the thing, though.
I left Michael at the gas station
  on Bennett.
Understood.
And his wallet and phone are
 on the seat next to him.
Got it.
I will put out an A.
P.
B.
otherwise known as
 an "Ask Pam Beasley.
"
  Did the phone cut out?
  Nope.
All right, just call me
 after the doctor.
- Okay.
- All right, bye.
Bye.
I know, I know.
You have a phone policy.
I understand.
But this is an emergency,
  because my friend isn't here,
  and I'm worried
 that he has been abducted.
- No.
- And and
  No, he ditched you, man.
I saw him drive away.
There's no way he ditched me.
There's no way that happened.
He's my Okay.
May I please just
 use your phone? Please.
Just make it quick.
Thank you.
Okay.
I will make it quick.
I will make it very quick.
And you don't have my numbers
 on speed dial.
Aah, okay, what is it?
  You don't know.
- Oh, co come
 - You don't.
You know what?
  I could dial 411,
 get Jim's number
  He left you here
 on purpose, all right?
  I saw it.
He just drove away.
Actually, this is good.
I am going
 to take this opportunity
  to go walkabout.
Good, good.
No, get away.
No.
That's enough.
Okay.
Okay.
It's the gas station
 on Bennett Street?
  Yeah.
You know what?
  Why don't you stay and I'll go?
  Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine.
It's kind of a sketchy
 neighborhood, though.
I better come along.
Problem solved, everyone.
Space Orphan
 and Princess Nincompoop
  are off to rescue Michael.
Unbelievable.
I'm going.
You drive.
I got a car full of fox meat.
Cute.
Very funny, everyone.
Who wrote captions
 under my doodle?
  I'm not even kidding.
They're pretty good.
- Which one in particular?
 - Yeah, which one?
  Well, the first one
 has a surprise factor.
"I'm a suck-suck-suckety Sabre.
"
  Boo-yah!
  No.
No, no.
No, no, no.
But, uh, I suppose the second one
  is the better written line.
- You suppose?
 - What's it say?
  "I'm supposed
 to be wearing red gloves,
  but my color cartridge portal
 got jammed again.
"
  Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
Gloves.
Keep it real.
You guys, if I knew you
 wanted to do a caption contest,
  I would have drawn
 something more challenging.
- And I will take you all down.
- You?
  I been reading
 the comics to my daughter
  since she was three years old.
Not once have I used the real
 captions to Family Circus.
That crazy family is hilarious
 to her for one reason
  Me.
Oh, it is on
  like Genghis Khan
 wearing Sean John in Bhutan.
Yes.
You guys,
 I have the perfect idea.
Okay, it'll just
 take me ten minutes.
- Whoo-hoo!
 - All right.
I want to do it.
Male, Caucasian, 40s, black hair,
  facial type marsupial.
He answers to Michael,
 Michael G.
Scott,
  Michael J.
Fox, Mr.
Fox,
 the Incredible Mr.
Fox.
- Yeah, he just left.
- Which way did he go?
  Hey, hey, hey, hey,
 let me answer this.
Stupid question.
He went back to the office,
  obviously, which is that way.
Oh, really?
  You don't think
 he walked by that bakery
  just for the smell of it?
  She's right.
He went that way.
All right.
Don't get a swelled head.
You're no tracker.
Let's ride.
Hey, you guys.
Listen to me.
Don't get hung up
 on just one girl,
  because there are a lot
 of other girls over there.
Look over there.
See?
  They look cute.
Hello.
You guys are so beautiful.
You're so colorful.
I wish I could understand you.
That's a metaphor, I guess.
You are disgusting.
You'll never find love.
Lecch.
Do you think she needs more time,
  or it's just never gonna happen?
  I'm being serious.
Seriously.
Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Has Michael checked in?
  - Oh, hey, Dwight.
- I asked you a question.
- No, he hasn't.
- Okay, bye.
No, wait, um, hey,
 while you're out,
  could you pick up some paper
 towels and chocolate syrup?
  We have ice cream,
 so I thought we could
  Pam, this isn't a shopping trip.
This is a manhunt-slash-rescue
 mission.
Okay, I just
  When you're done,
 or any time it's convenient,
  I just thought
 since you're out
  Pam, I'm obviously
 gonna get that stuff for you,
  so just shut up.
God.
Okay, well, it wasn't ob
  No word from Michael.
Tada.
Okay, it's two giant dogs
 with two giant palm trees
  on a regular-sized island.
- Oh, I got one.
- Yeah?
  - Yes.
- Okay, I'm sorry,
  but I'm gonna have
 to shut this down.
- Boo.
- Why?
  Unless we can all agree
 to some ground rules.
It's either that
 or I can fax this to Jo
  and let her decide
 how to proceed.
Gabe, tell us your stupid rules
  so we can start the game.
Number one,
 and this should be obvious,
  no captions that insult
 the company we work for.
Irony is such a critical
  Number two,
 no pop culture references.
- Seriously?
 - Wow.
I think we can all agree
  they tend to alienate those
 who don't get the reference,
  making them feel like the other.
Wrap it up, Gabe.
Okay, final thing,
 and this is a fun one,
  instead of writing the caption
 directly under the picture,
  let's all try using sticky quips.
All right?
 New from Dunder Mifflin-Sabre.
Sticky quips are fun,
 they're safe, they're handy.
I like to use sticky quips
 as regular post-it notes
  when I'm in a fun mood.
Not every day.
Go get 'em.
Start quipping.
Pam, I think
 I'm gonna send you an I.
M.
Oh, okay.
Send me one too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, put me on that.
- C.
C.
- Ditto.
Hello.
I would like a hot dog, please.
Now, I don't have any money,
  so here is what
 I would like to do.
I leave you here with my watch,
  and I come back later
 and I pay for the hotdog.
I'm not a pawn shop.
Well, I understand that,
 but this is a $45 watch.
Wow.
With that, I could buy
  Half the menu.
I can't just go
 giving away hotdogs.
All right.
What do you do with the hotdogs
 that you don't sell?
  Throw 'em away.
Well, okay, instead of
 throwing them all away later,
  why don't you just throw
 one away now into my mouth.
No.
Okay.
You've just lost my business.
Hey.
Hey, you were in there forever.
There's too many brands.
Where's Holly?
  She wandered off like an idiot.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
  Oh, just changing
 my cell phone plan.
Okay.
Okay.
Here you go.
I'll take my free
 stress ball too now.
Sure thing.
Here you go, miss
  Okay, Fanny Smellmore.
- Real original.
- What?
  You know what? Say hi
 to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Tootenbacher.
Orville Tootenbacher,
  that's Michael's
 millionaire character that
  Farts popcorn.
Of course.
He was here.
She's the key.
Amazing.
Holly.
Hey, where would you
 like to go next?
  Holly?
  Are their egg rolls
 really that big?
  Oh, boy.
That was yummy.
Thank you so much.
You know what? I think
 I left my wallet in my car.
Do you mind
 if I run out and get it?
  - No problem.
- Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay, you know what?
  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I don't have my wallet.
And I was
  I was gonna try to dine and dash,
  and that was stupid,
  and I realize I can't do that
 to you fine people.
So you can't pay for your food?
  Well, I can, but I will have
 to come back later tonight
  and pay you.
But the point is
 I did the right thing.
You did not.
You have no money,
  but you dined,
 and you dined so much.
Well, the number three
 is not such a giant feast.
Mr.
Chu!
  Okay, all right.
You know what?
  You're trying
 to steal food from us?
  I am not.
I just have had a bad day,
  and I
 Okay.
I'll be back later
 with the money.
I'm just gonna leave right now.
You can't.
We'll stop you.
Well, I think
 I can get through the door.
Excuse me.
Do you speak English?
  We are looking for a man,
  Michael, this tall,
 black hair, Caucasian.
It's Michael!
  He just left.
- You knew!
 - What?
  No.
Dwight asked
 if I wanted an egg roll.
What What are you
 implying?
  Uncanny.
Put a pin in that.
Which way did he go?
  That guy!
 When he leave here,
  which way did he go?
 We looking for him.
This way, this way, this way?
 I don't know.
Do you know?
  I think he was heading downtown.
He's heading downtown.
So what, no one's even gonna try?
  - Guess not.
- Oh, come on.
My rules could not possibly
 have been that oppressive.
You crushed our spirits, Gabe.
Congrats.
You're a big man, huh?
  Takes a lot to destroy
 the creativity
  of a whole group of people.
Hey
  Click the "x".
- I'm clicking!
 - In the box.
I am clicking.
Woman, you've had
 a computer for years!
  - Phyllis!
 - Too late!
  Oh.
Ha.
An I.
M.
chat.
Very clever.
I'll just print that out.
Come on, guys.
Grow up.
I don't want to be
 your babysitter.
Ooh.
"Darn it, Bob,
 I told you not to buy
  a Sabre brand lifeboat.
"
  - Nice!
 - No, not nice.
Terrible.
Doesn't even include
 the fact that they're dogs.
- Do the next one.
- "Wake up, Fred.
"The power cord
 on your Sabre printer
  "shocked you into a coma,
  and you're dreaming you're a dog
 on a desert island.
"
  Dreaming he's a dog on an island.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
How does the speaker know what
 the guy in the coma is dreaming?
  Well, if you think
 it's so easy, Gabe,
  - why don't you try it?
 - Um
  You don't have to sniff
 my rear end anymore, Bob.
I'm the only one here.
Ha.
That's tasteless, Gabe.
- Tasteless?
 - Tasteless.
More tasteless than this?
  "Is that a palm tree,
  "or did Gabe get skinner?
  Either way, let's pee on it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
 I think we have a winner.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Well done!
  Whose is it?
 Who wrote that?
  Yeah.
Who wrote it?
  Please.
It was easy
 once I decided
  I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.
Where did he go, Holly?
  I have no idea.
Do you see a little clown
 that you wanna follow, huh?
  Is there a little bird
 that's chirping to you,
  "this way, this way.
"
  I don't know.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
We need you to think.
What is Michael seeing right now?
  Can you tell him
 that we miss him?
  Michael, we're coming for you!
  Will you stop?
  There have been
 a few coincidences
  That's all!
  All right, then.
- Someone propose a plan.
- Okay.
- We fan out
 - Not you, Erin.
Stop looking at me like that.
Okay, look, let's just
 go up somewhere high
  and see if we could spot him
 on the street below.
That is the stupidest idea
 I've ever heard.
No.
Tap into your common mind and
 tell us what he would do next.
Look, I'm not playing.
I'm gonna go look for him.
- Good.
We don't need her.
- Right.
I can do this on my own.
I can think like Michael.
All right
  I'm deep below the ocean's
 surface in a submarine.
A torpedo's coming right at me.
No.
Damn it, that's just
 my own imagination.
Maybe he's bowling.
Michael?
  Hi.
How did you know I was up here?
  What are you doing up here?
  I got turned around.
I thought I could see
 Dunder Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin?
  Yeah.
Wow!
  I just miss you so much.
I missed you too.
Really?
  Yeah.
Can I kiss you?
  - Yeah.
- Okay.
Maybe that's not the best one.
Keep reading.
- Yeah, it was.
- Maybe it wasn't.
Oh, thank God, I had a horrible nightmare
 that I was stuck in America with Gabe.
No, that's not the one I was thinking of.
Keep going.
I know what it smells like
  but I didn't roll in anything,
  It's from listening
 to all of Gabe's bullshit.
Isn't this the perfect
 romantic getaway, Erin?
  Sitting on a desert island
 in dog costumes?
  I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo.
Gabe's mom
  Mm, Gabe's mom?
  Wait, tall woman?
 Looks like Gabe?
  Yeah, I banged her.
Yeah, there you go.