s06e09-Murder

Boom! Boom boom! Broken nose!
  Boom boom boom! Broken nose! Boom!
  TOPTOPTHIS YEAR IN MARTIAL ARTS:
    as we all know,the one thing
  that thousand-year-old martial
 arts do all the time is change.
How can i pose this to
 you in a relatable way?
  You are all members of the yakuza,
  and you happen to be visiting
 the lackawanna trolley museum,
  and you are attacked by triads.
How can you hold them off
 until your clan arrives?
  You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.
Okay,so there's no defense
 for that? Good to know.
No,there is a defense for that.
Let me demonstrate.
Someone attack me.
Kevin,go!
  No way.
Last time,you
 pulled my pants down,
  and then you tried to
 choke me with my shoelace.
False.
I did choke you with
 your shoelace.
Now come at me!
  Okay,with all due
 respect to everyone here,
  i think the most worthy
 opponent of you is you.
That is correct,unless there
 happen to be measles present.
So let's just say that dwight has
 come at you with the throat punch.
Now,how would you,dwight,
 defend against it?
  Easy.
Allow me to demonstrate.
I am attacking myself
 with a throat punch.
Here it comes.
Block.
Grasp wrist as such.
And what if he comes at
 you with the other hand?
  Because he does have two.
Good point.
Second throat punch.
Absorb the blow.
Groin punch.
Hit,block,elbow to the gut!
  Up to the nose! No,you're not!
  Oh,my god,he's making
 you look like such a fool.
He really is,but not for long.
God! Instep!
  Boh! Not again!
  You let go! You let go!
  Oh,you're right! I can't hold on!
  You two are so evenly matched,i don't know
 how one of you's gonna get the upper hand.
The important thing to remember,jim,
  we always have what is called
 the element of surprise.
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   the office 609
  But i would say my favorite art form
  is a tie between sculpting
 and stand-up comedy.
I did stand-up comedy once.
- You did?
 - Yeah,i killed.
- That sounds like it was hilarious.
- It was hilarious.
- Michael?
 - Yes?
  What is the meaning of this
 email that everyone got?
  You'll have to be more specific,dwight.
I get like eight emails a day.
This one.
"from: david
 wallace,to: all dunder mifflin.
" whoo-hoo.
Shout-out.
"hello,everyone,i'm sure you've
 seen "the item in the journal.
"just want to stress
 it's all conjecture.
"if there's any concrete
 news,you will know a.
S.
A.
P.
" erin,do we have the journal?
  Your feelings journal? You told
 me to put it in the time capsule.
- Did you?
 - Michael,he means the wall street journal online.
Oh,the wall.
I found the article.
"on a day marked by panicked
 corporate board meetings,
  "one that is relatively
 unsurprising "is dunder mifflin's.
It is rumored that they
 will recommend de--"
  and the article cuts off.
It's $1.
99 to finish the article.
I wonder what it was gonna say.
Are you serious?
  I got it,i got it.
Tuna beat me to it.
"it is rumored that they will
 recommend declaring bankruptcy"?
  No,no.
That doesn't make any sense.
Oh,lord,we're all gonna lose our jobs.
Not necessarily.
Bankruptcy
 could mean a lot of things.
Maybe they're just
 restructuring to get out of debt.
Oh,that sounds awful.
Or it could mean the
 end of dunder mifflin.
Oh,god! Well,that's
 an interesting theory.
You know what? You can all
 have jobs at schrute farms
  As human scarecrows.
It doesn't pay much
 and you can't unionize.
I'm sorry,michael.
David's in a meeting.
Ah,well,maybe you should spy on him.
Oh,my god! Wouldn't that be hilarious?
  um,i'll just have him call you back.
Okay,okay.
Good.
I'll catch you on the
 flippity-flip.
Bye!
  He's busy.
Call me back when he's free.
michael,are you okay?
 Did you throw up in there?
  No,just poopin'.
You know how i be.
But it smells like throw-up in here.
Crazy world,lotta smells.
You guys,what if this
 is our last day at work?
  What if we never see
 each other ever again?
  I like erin.
There,i said it.
I was kinda hoping she would ask me out,
  but things have not panned
 out on that front,so
  It is time for the nard-dog to
 take matters into his own paws.
We have to do something,
  because people are losin' it out there,
  wondering what's gonna happen.
Okay,we need some sort of
 distraction for everybody.
Is there anything new in youtube?
  - Michael-- - doesn't
 even need to be good.
Oh,god! I can't think.
I need more mullins.
listen,wallace said these
 were just rumors,right?
  So we have no reason to think that
 the company's anything but fine.
So if we just go on with our work,
  you and me,they'll follow along.
- Monkey see,monkey do.
- That's it.
Monkey pee all over you.
That Rhymes.
So what have we on the docket today?
  We have a
  A monthly staff meeting.
All right! Let's conference room it up!
  Here's the deal,guys.
There is
 no new information as of yet,
  so i suggest we all just keep working.
Sure,i'm a little nervous,but doing
 our work will make us feel better.
I only slack off when things are good.
Customers have to use the
 coupon code from the website.
and as of now,there is no differentiation
 between the letter "o" and the zero,
  but we are working on that.
Stay tuned for that.
He needs me.
Seat-save infinity.
- Okay,great.
- Oh,god!
  What?
  Oh,my god.
- What?
 - What is it?
  Is there news?
  There has been a murder!
  - What? - A
 mur-- -what?
  There's been a murder In savannah.
Games have the power to distract
 people from stressful situations.
"battleship" got me
 through my parents' divorce.
"operation" got me through my
 vasectomy,i.
E.
My operation.
I don't think i would have been able to
  endure my break-up with holly
 had it not been for "toss across.
"belles,bourbon,and bullets,
  a murder mystery dinner party game.
it is so much fun.
Everybody plays a character,we
 go around the room,
  we try to figure out who did it.
Hey,i'm wondering if this
 is a,um,terrible idea.
This is my call,jim.
Big
 picture stuff.
It's about murder.
I thought we agreed that we
 wouldn't do things like this.
Tube city.
You owe me one.
Co-managing is a give and take.
You have to pick your battles.
One of the battles that i picked
  was to stop michael from
 running plastic tubes
  all over the office and
 placing hamsters inside of them.
He was gonna call it tube city.
So,yes,i do owe him one.
august 5,1955.
it's a sad day down here in savannah.
Local magnate bill bourbon
 was killed last night,
  and all y'all have
 congregated tonight for a meal
  to celebrate bill as he
 passes on to his great reward.
But you're not just here
 to pay your respects.
You have to figure out which of y'all
  is the no-account
 scoundrel who killed him.
This is ridiculous.
There will be food.
You
 leave,you do not get food.
- What kind of food?
 - Sandwich platters.
- I'm in.
- Baby carrots.
Okay,here are your character cards.
Take one,pass it down.
Here is your prop box.
Some of your characters will have props.
Now,on your character card,
  it tells you who you are
 and what your alibi is.
Everything else is up
 to your imagination.
So if you talk slowly in real
 life,your character could,
  say,have been kicked
 in the head by a horse.
Cool.
I'll try it.
Okay.
Use your imaginations.
Who did you get?
  "naughty nellie nutmeg,
  a vivacious young socialite
 with a penchant for scandal.
- ooh! Saucy.
- How about you?
  "nathaniel nutmeg,the
 local bartender and
  Nellie's brother.
michael,i don't like
 this game.
It's scary.
It's not scary.
I don't like my character.
Who are you?
  "voodoo mama juju,the witch
 doctor of the savannah swamps.
" i'm not comfortable with this.
Well,how do you think i feel?
  I mean,i have to play caleb
 crawdad,handsome playboy.
Every night,a different woman,
  being oogled,having to
 hug and kiss and spoon.
Oh! I make them feel beautiful.
Well,well,well!
  What is this contraption,i do declare?
  It's my blackberry,michael.
I'm
 trying to get updates on the company.
Who's michael? I'm caleb
 crawdad,i do declare.
You don't have to keep
 saying,"i do declare.
" anytime you say something
 it means you're declaring.
That is the way southern people talk.
And what designing woman
 are you basing that on?
  Delta burke,i do declare.
Now,shall we get to the mystery?
  I'll go.
"my name is deborah
 utante,deb for short.
that's clever.
Debutante.
"bill bourbon was my uncle.
"i would have never hurt him any
 more than i'd hurt a june bug.
nice accent.
You sound
 like forrest gump.
- I do not.
- Well,you do,actually.
You got this kind of like
 florida panhandle thing goin',
  whereas what you really want
 is more of a savannah accent,
  which is more like molasses,just
 sort of spillin' out of your mouth.
Oh,now do the swedish chef.
Uh,i'm not familiar.
What province is he from?
  He lives on sesame street,dumbass.
You know,i think i'm supposed to say
 something to pam-- i mean,deb.
Okay.
Um "i overheard you askin' the
 butler where the pistol was kept.
wait a minute! Wait a minute!
  I'm the butler.
You were listening
 in on that? Oh,you rich people.
You think you can do whatever
 you want to the servant class!
  No,no,no.
Don't turn this
 into a political thing.
I will poison your food.
I reckon i got somethin' to say
  to miss beatrix bourbon
 if'n she don't mind.
Ooh,doggy! We got a party now!
  I do believe that the game is a big hit.
People are really divin'
 into their characters.
Y'all
  i made a mistake.
Sorry i'm late,boss.
What's goin' on?
  Sir,there has been a
 murder,and you are a suspect.
Okay.
Hang on just a second.
Let me settle in,and i'll be right back.
Very good! Very good!
  Now,no one was there in the wine cellar.
- hey,there,young lady.
- Hello.
I would be remiss if i did
 not ask the pretty young lady
  out on a date for this weekend.
Sounds like a plan,sugar.
All right!
  A plan it is.
voodoo mama juju,explain your
 dalliance with the dark arts.
It's not my fault.
I was
 exposed to harry potter.
I know you did it!
  I know she didn't do it.
It's never the person you most suspect.
It's also never the
 person you least suspect,
  since anyone with half a brain
 would suspect them the most.
Therefore,i know the
 killer to be phyllis,
  a.
K.
A.
Beatrix bourbon,
  the person i most medium suspect.
Do you want to go out on a date with me?
  We can make out by the horses.
Well,you know old nellie is
 always up for a romp in the hay.
How 'bout a threesome?
  Yeah.
My boudoir's always open.
Nice.
I'm a little worried i might have
 asked out naughty nellie and not erin.
Which would be a whole
 lot less appealing,
  because naughty nellie
 says yes to everyone,
  and she might be a murderer.
Follow before
  i just got an email from corporate,
  specifically for accounting to
 stop all payments to our vendors.
What does that mean?
  Well,maybe nothing,but
 it could be a prob--
  What's this strange yankee accent
 comin' out of your mouth,son?
  This here is savannah.
Phyllis,uh
  Uh This
  Uh,plan--planta--
 this plantation,
  we're runnin' low on,uh,greenbacks,
  and we're havin'
 problems payin' the people
  who give us the seeds and the dirt.
We can't pay 'em.
Michael,i
 can't-- basically,
  it could mean a lot of things,
  but it is unprecedented,
  so it's cause for concern.
Okay,i'm going back to work.
No.
No,no.
No.
No.
No,no,i'm gonna skip forward to
 a really big clue.
Here we go.
Narrator on cd: well,by now,you figured
  out that old beatrix
 bourbon was the killer.
What?
  Michael,i was doing so well.
Are you goin' to believe that?
  That is a mis--
 that's a misdirection.
We still don't know who the murderer is.
Nellie nutmeg,come back in heyah!
  I can't do this mahself.
Voodoo mama juju!
  What am i gonna do?
  Okay,so corporate is
 still in their meeting.
That could be a good sign.
Hey,everyone,kevin's gonna give
 us his take on the situation.
Let's listen up.
All right,guys,it's a workday,
  and you guys work here,so
 let's go do some work.
Now,jim telling us all to work,
  i think that is a very good sign.
Don't just say things.
oh,good,michael.
Listen,i wrote up
 those sales targets-- -
  i do believe you have me mistaken.
My name is caleb crawdad.
Y'all skedaddled way too soon.
We need to re-open this case.
No,you're not re-opening
 the case.
The case is closed.
No,it ain't.
Frankly,i'm not surprised.
A lot of the evidence
 seemed to be based on puns.
i was just thinking
 about weekend at bernie's.
So funny.
The guy's dead the whole time.
I haven't seen it.
Speaking of weekends,you excited
 about our date this weekend?
  Of course,nathaniel.
Okay.
Where are you takin' me?
  Well
  The finest steakhouse in all savannah.
Savannah?
  That's a far way from scranton.
Did you mean a real date?
  No.
- Did you?
 - Totally not.
I thought it was for real
  So i was excited,but it was
 just-- it was part of the game.
You're sure it was water?
  It couldn't have been acid?
  I already declared you
 it was too dark to tell!
  Stop playing games with me,crawdad!
  This is not a game! This is my life!
  - You are out of order,sir!
 - Answer me!
  - You are out of order!
 - You are out of order!
  - You are out-- - i think
 michael may have snapped.
Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Well,which is worse? Snapped or stuck?
  Both.
They're both worse.
It's gonna be all right.
We're a good company.
We'll figure this out.
We're not going under.
Jim,what if we both lose our jobs?
  I'm trying to think of a way that this
  all ends up fine,and
 i can't think of one.
Deb,what in the world?
 Do you have the vapors?
  Michael! Not now.
Can't wait.
We have to get you
 to our witch doctor right now.
Come on.
come on!
  I should just go.
Where to now,caleb?
  To mama juju boo-boo.
Michael,can
 i--
  okay,i'm just gonna skip right
 past the what and go with why?
  Because this is the
 re-creation of a crime scene.
I'm the dead body,and
 these are my brain chunks.
Hey,shut up.
You're dead.
Michael,can i talk
 to you in your office?
  - No michael here.
- Caleb!
  - Today,of all days--
 - no! You shut up!
  They need this game,jim.
Let us have this stupid
 little game,all right?
  You startled me!
  My stars,my heart nearly
 leapt out of my chest.
What can i do you for?
  Wallace is on the phone.
He's returning your call.
- Detective wallace?
 - I don't think so.
I think it's david wallace
 from dunder mifflin.
Aw,shucks.
Tell him i'm not heyah.
You're not gonna answer the phone?
  No,i only answer to detective wallace,
  'cause i got a warm
 body in the other room.
I'll take it.
- Hey,david.
- Hey.
Sorry to be gettin'
 back to you guys so late.
Things are still a bit unclear.
We didn't officially
 decide anything yet.
Oh,okay.
But if i can be candid
 with you here,jim
  It's not good.
We fully
 expect to be out of money
  by the end of the
 year-- insolvent.
So Well,you know what?
  I'm sorry.
I have to run.
- But we will talk soon,okay?
 - Sure.
Okay.
Oh,you know,while i have you,
  - today i was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain
 - great.
And it would actually be a big account.
Okay,look,you know what?
  I can't really get my
 head around anything
  like that right now,but that's great.
Keep after it,but i gotta run.
- Okay.
-
 Thanks,jim.
- See ya.
What's the news?
  Nothing yet.
Well,i guess that's not
  well,there is some bad news.
There has been another murder.
A murder,you say?
  I do declare.
Conference room,everyone.
Do we have to play?
  - No.
- Super.
Oh,this could be a juicy one.
Get in there! Get in there!
  I think today was a good
 day to have two managers,
  because if you're a
 family stuck on a lifeboat
  in the middle of the ocean,
  one parent might want
 to just keep rowing.
But if the other parent
 wants to play a game,
  it's not because they're crazy.
It's because they're
 doing it for the kids.
And i get that now.
There has been a lot of
 murder and a lot of intrigue.
My little heart can
 barely take it no more.
Today is the hardest i have
 worked in a long,long time.
- I didn't do it!
 - Okay.
- ever'body just calm down.
- I am calm.
Count of three,we're all
 gonna put down our guns.
I have crossbows.
- We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three.
- Okay.
- You ready?
 - I'm ready.
One Two two.
Three.
Three.
andy revealed himself
 to be a double agent,
  at which point,dwight
 felt comfortable revealing
  that he also was a double agent,
  and then,michael announced
 to everybody that,
  get this,he was a double agent.
Oh,and it is 6:00.
really?
  It wasn't me!
  I'm not goin' down for this!
  Hey,i want to go home.
Get the keys out of
 my purse,start the car.
Proudly Presents
   the office 609