s03e13-The Return

DWIGHT: I have left Dunder Mifflin
 after many record-breaking years,
  and I'm officially on the job market
 and it's very exciting.
For your convenience,
 I've broken it down into three parts.
Professional resume,
 athletic and special skills resume
  and Dwight Schrute trivia.
DWIGHT: I am ready to face any challenges
 that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself? Three words.
Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer.
Merciless, insatiable.
There's nothing on my horizon
 except everything.
Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money
 while I continue my employment search.
And it's fine for the time being.
(WATCH BEEPING)
  Break's over.
Big Turkey?
  (MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)
  He rocks in the treetop all a day long
  Hoppin' and a-boppin'
 and a-singin' the song
  All the little birds on
  Is that you singing?
  All four parts.
Recorded it on my computer.
JIM: Wow.
Took me forever.
Nice job.
Thank you muchly.
Oh rockin' robin
 well you really gonna rock tonight
  Every little swallow
  You gonna answer it?
  Every little bird in the tall oak tree
  I called it myself.
Just thought you'd get a kick out
 of the new ring.
Yikes.
Side note, just like to say I'm thrilled
 to be working directly beneath you.
Cool.
I feel I have a lot to learn from you,
  even though you're younger
 and have less experience.
So here's to the future, Andy and the Tuna.
(SINGING) Andy and the Tuna
  Oh, what a duo, magical
 Andy and the Tuna
  I miss Dwight.
Congratulations, universe, you win.
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company.
More personnel turnover.
Cost of doing business.
Right, addition by subtraction.
What does that even mean?
 That is impossible.
Yeah, you're right.
But there is some good news.
Oscar is back, addition by addition.
So we are going to have a big party today
 to welcome him back,
  and hopefully, that'll lift everyone's spirits.
Hi, everyone.
Oh, hello, Oscar.
How was your gaycation?
  That's very funny.
Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds
 after you left.
Hi, Angela.
Oscar.
Hey, boss.
MICHAEL: Hey, what's up?
  Nothing.
Man.
TGI Wednesday.
Am I right?
 Yep.
Gonna go home, get my beer on,
 get my Lost on.
What're you doing later?
 You wanna hang out?
  Oh, I don't know, maybe.
Well, I'll take that as a maybe.
Where're you going?
 Bathroom.
Oh, I'm going to the kitchen,
 I'll walk with you.
Things are going pretty good.
Getting a lot of face time with the boss.
Oscar, I have a question.
Would you like to join
 the Party Planning Committee?
  The committee with all the women?
 Yeah.
Because I'm gay?
 No, no.
Certain events have transpired
 and I've thought about certain things,
  and I'm sorry for the way
 those certain events transpired.
And I would just like to make some changes
 about certain things.
And certain situations and certain accounts.
Okay, okay.
All right, all right, I'll join.
I'd love to.
That's Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can I join, too?
  Never.
You sell those two printers this morning?
 Nice work.
Child's play.
Give me something hard to sell.
Wow, what is wrong with this thing?
 It looks terrible.
Do you want me to ask
 the night cleaning crew
  if they stopped watering it?
  Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
 Ask them about the toys on my desk, too.
They always used to arrange the toys
 on my desk in a very pleasing way.
It used to brighten my morning.
Oh, that wasn't the night crew.
That was Dwight.
Really? That was very nice of him.
We need more attitude like that
 around this office.
Feel you, dawg.
Yeah, do you?
  Absolutely.
What did I say?
  You said
  (MUMBLING)
  Which is like Right on.
Pam was like, "Blah, blah, blah,"
  and you're like, "Yeah.
"
  (EXCLAIMS)
  Nailed it.
Wow.
Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow.
Seems smart enough.
Likes me a lot.
A lot? Too much.
Like a crazy person a little.
Not super crazy, just
  There's something about him
 that creeps me out.
I can't really explain it.
He's always up in my biznezz,
  which is Ebonics for being in my face
 and annoying the bejesus out of me.
I don't understand how someone
 can have so little self-awareness.
I really have no preference.
We don't even have to have a party.
No, hey.
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Of course we're going to have a party.
The celebration of Oscar.
Oscar night.
And I wanted to be Oscar specific.
Michael
 No.
No, I mean, not because you're gay.
Your gayness does not define you.
Your Mexicanness is what defines you
 to me.
And I think we should celebrate
 Oscar's Mexicanity.
So, Phyllis,
 I want you to go find firecrackers
  and a Chihuahua.
Pam, in the frozen food section,
  Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Why don't you have me riding in
 on a donkey into the office, Michael?
  Would that be good?
 A burro.
Of course, if Oscar wants a donkey,
 let's get him one.
Need any help?
  Oh, no, thank you.
I'm just looking.
Great.
I will literally be standing right here
 if you need anything at all.
Think I could go for some tuna fish
 right about now.
Got my rod here.
(MIMICKING FISHING ROD)
  Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
(GRUNTING)
  Hey.
Hey.
Hey, so Andy is in rare form today.
Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay?
 He's fishing for me.
We gotta do something.
Look, I've got like 15 new clients
 that I've inherited from Dwight
  and each file is password protected
 with a different mythical creature, so
  I'm sorry.
I can't.
Fine.
Party pooper.
(GRUNTING)
  MICHAEL: Who's that sportscaster
 that bit that lady?
  Mar-something?
  Andy is like Mar-something.
Great sportscaster, big weirdo creep.
185-pounder.
Check it out.
Hey, guys.
How's the workload?
  All of Dwight's old accounts.
Handling it okay?
  Sort of.
He had a lot of clients.
Yes, he did.
Have any of you talked to Dwight?
  Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Really?
 No.
Don't do that.
It's not nice.
What about you, Phyllis?
 You and Dwight were close.
No, sorry.
Dwight had a big personality
 and I have a big personality.
And a lot of times when two people like that
 get together, it can be explosive.
Really coming down out there.
The commute's gonna be hell.
I have snow tires and chains,
  plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
So, where were you working before this?
  Dunder Mifflin.
What kind of company is that?
  Paper company.
We're only one of Staples'
 top competitors in the area.
I never heard of them.
Oh, really? Have you heard of paper?
  It's gonna be like that, huh?
  I don't like him, his giant head,
 or his beady, little eyes.
That's all I got to say on the matter.
(SINGING) In your head
  in your head
  Zombie, Zombie
  Zombie
  In your head
  Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
  I'm kind of in the middle Yes, please.
Okay, good.
Stay right here.
Zombie
  In your head
  Sorry about that.
Oh, smooth move, Tuna.
Nice one.
Are there any messages?
 No.
So weird.
Nice to have Oscar back.
Yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)
  He rocks in the treetop all a day long
  Hoppin' and a-boppin'
 and a-singin' the song
  Large Tuna,
 have you seen my cell phone device?
  No.
'Cause someone is calling right now.
There is a call.
well you really gonna rock tonight
  Every little swallow
  Angela.
Is everything okay?
  No.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
  He rocks in the treetop
  What's going on?
  What're you talking about?
  Where is my freaking phone?
  Love to hear the robin goin'
  You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
You know what?
 Maybe you're in the ceiling.
Okay.
ANDY: I don't trust you, Phyllis.
Every little swallow, every chickadee
  I wanted to let you know that
 Dwight was late that morning
  because he had to drive to New York
 to drop off the quarterly tax forms
  that I forgot to send.
Why would Dwight do that for you?
  I think I know why.
Because Dwight loves this company.
Do you think that anyone else out there
 would've driven to corporate for you?
  None of them.
Especially not Andy.
Oh rockin' robin
 well you really gonna rock tonight
  Pam, I have a mission to accomplish.
Make sure this party gets rolling
  and I will be back shortly.
Where are you going?
 Want me to come with?
  Listen, I forgot to tell you the plan
 for this Saturday.
You, me, bar, beers, buzzed.
Wings, shots, drunk.
Waitresses, hot.
Football, Cornell, Hofstra.
Slaughter.
Then, quick nap at my place
 and we hit the tizzown.
No.
I don't wanna do any of that.
Duh.
Which is why I was joking about doing it.
No, just stop.
Stop.
Just stop doing it.
You're going to drive me crazy.
Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet.
Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
  Excuse me.
He rocks in the treetop all a day long
  And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here
 for some reason think it's funny
  to steal someone's personal property
 and hide it from them.
Here's a little news flash.
It's not funny!
  In fact, it's pretty freaking un-funny!
  Every little swallow, every chickadee
  God!
  (GRUNTS)
  The wise old owl and the big black crow
  Flapping them wings
  That was an overreaction.
Gonna hit the break room.
Does anybody want anything?
  Pam, you good?
  Yeah.
Sure? Okay.
DWIGHT: Well, that question is meaningless.
Just go with the copy paper,
 it's your funeral.
See how that works out for you.
Hey.
Hey.
What's up?
  Same old.
It takes a big man to admit his mistake,
 and I am that big man.
Angela from accounting
 told me what you did.
Oh, my God, she told you?
 Yes, she did.
And, Dwight,
  if you were willing to do something like that
 for some random co-worker,
  then clearly, I misjudged you
 from the beginning.
And I apologize.
Accepted.
How's this place treating you?
  My boss isn't funny.
I don't get to wear my ties.
No.
Sure.
So
  So maybe you should come back.
You should come back.
Please.
I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.
We can talk about that.
All right.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
  Oh, my God.
That's half-inch dry wall.
I think we broke his brain.
JIM: "It's not freaking funny!"
  You really enjoying your fiesta?
 Actually, yeah.
I didn't think I would but turns out it's great.
Ladies and gentlemen,
 may I present Mr.
Dwight Schrute.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand.
You're gonna break it.
Not bad, huh?
  You did this for me?
  Guilty.
Hey.
Do you still have feelings for her?
  Yes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
 the big finale.
Sir, would you do the honor?
  Oh, man.
No, no, no, no.
I don't need it.
(YELLING)
  MICHAEL: It takes a big man to admit
 his mistake and that's what I did.
The important thing is, I learned something.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me
  because they think
 I'm going to help their career.
I want them sucking up to me
 because they genuinely love me.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate
  and they decided to send me
 to management training.
Anger management, technically,
 but still, management material.
This whole thing's supposed to take
 10 weeks.
I expect to be done in five.
How? Name repetition, personality mirroring
 and positive reinforcement
  through nods and smiles.
So don't worry about old Andy Bernard.
I'll be back.
Just like Rambo.
Oh, hi, you must be Andy.
Oh, hi.
Yes, I am, and you must be Marcy.
That's right, it's so good to meet you.
It's so good to meet you.
Thanks.
Well, you ready to have some fun?
 Yeah.